I have never really written a blog on how I really feel. I think it's time. I don't want to make you all go away but I think you all should know how I really feel. I have Bi-Polar depression. My mom thought I was crazy so she took me to the Psychologist and talk about my intense mood swings and my suicidal thoughts. I found out I was Bi-Polar and the DR says all I have to do is relax. How can I relax when I have so much pressure on me. I'm a teenager and we all have our complications. I don't know how I got to be this way, I used to be such a happy little girl. I used to love school and making friends. Now all I want to do is die. I want to run away and go somewhere where they will accept me for who I am. My mom and dad hate me and I know it. They can't bare the fact that I'm their daughter, I am a disappointment to them. They are always comparing me to my sister on how she is such a better person and on how she gets good grades. Is she serious? My sister is only 10 for Pete's sake! Of course she is only going to get good grades. My mom always thinks I am such a failure at everything. She yells at me just because I didn't vacuum my room. Yesterday morning I went over to her to give a hug and she rejected me. She told me that I make her sick, that she can't stand to look at me. Geeeez, now I now why I'm such a fucking failure. I have
never been told I was loved. NEVER. I never even had a boyfriend or been asked out. In school, it's even fucking worst. I have been here in NJ for 2 years and I still haven't made a friend. No one wants to talk to me and I can't even figure out why. No one wants to be my partner in class or sit next to me.Why did I have to be so different? If I was the same as everyone else would I be suffering this way? If I liked the same shit that they did, would I be able to fit in somewhere? I can't stand eating in the library by myself because I can't even make a sound. I have hide to eat my lunch and listen to music quietly. I'm pretty sure I have no future, I'm going nowhere in life. I'm not gonna get to college and I won't ever ever ever be happy. I have never really done anything to kill myself like drugs, cutting or something like that because I know I'm such a pussy to go through all of that. I tried overdosing on some pain pills but all that did was got my parents yelling at me even more. They didn't even care I was going to kill myself. I want to see how all of this turns out. Will I ever be happy? Will my parents for once love me for who I am? Will I ever make friends with someone?
Please don't treat me differently because of this. It is just another side you haven't seen.
xo
Amalia, I definitely felt some of this when I was in school too.
ReplyDeleteI switched schools a lot, and after awhile I convinced myself that I wouldn't get along with anyone I went to school with and got in and out as fast as I could without talking to anyone, which, looking back on it, probably wasn't the best thing to do.
I had plenty of lonely lunchtimes. I'd walk home and walk back just to keep myself occupied and after awhile I just never went back to school after lunch break, and lunch breaks turned into days and then finally I had pretty much dropped out for the year. And this repeated itself a few times, and that's why now I am still a few credits short of officially graduating.
It's not a story I tell often because I'm kind of embarassed about it, it's the reason why I get super touchy when anyone asks me about school.
But my point is that I have felt that exact feeling at school, highschool can suck if you let it, (which I did) but you can turn it around. And I know, it's not so easy, but I can think of a few things that I would do in that situation.
Have you noticed any girls walking around with the same style as you? Clothing-wise? It's always a key indicator of someone you'd have things in common with, chat someone up about how you like their shirt or something. Talk about music, movies, etc. And even if they don't like the exact same stuff as you, recommend cool things they might like.
Also, if there are any new kids at school who don't really know nayone, be the one to show them around!
And as for your parents, the way they are treating you is wrong. You are their daughter. And I'm sure they lvoe you but they're taking out some sort of frustration on you and that's not fair.
You should get in touch with a youth concillor at school and talk to them about it. What you need is some family councilling, and don't worry, no one is goign to make you out to be the bad guy at all. I have had family councilling with my parents and it works wonders. If you're apprehensive to talk about anything with your parents, you can get help to talk to them about things from a councillor. They're great, they're nice, and they're there to mediate situations like this.
Anyway I hope my advice can help in some way, it's all from my personal experience so it must mean something.
<3