I have never really written a blog on how I really feel. I think it's time. I don't want to make you all go away but I think you all should know how I really feel. I have Bi-Polar depression. My mom thought I was crazy so she took me to the Psychologist and talk about my intense mood swings and my suicidal thoughts. I found out I was Bi-Polar and the DR says all I have to do is relax. How can I relax when I have so much pressure on me. I'm a teenager and we all have our complications. I don't know how I got to be this way, I used to be such a happy little girl. I used to love school and making friends. Now all I want to do is die. I want to run away and go somewhere where they will accept me for who I am. My mom and dad hate me and I know it. They can't bare the fact that I'm their daughter, I am a disappointment to them. They are always comparing me to my sister on how she is such a better person and on how she gets good grades. Is she serious? My sister is only 10 for Pete's sake! Of course she is only going to get good grades. My mom always thinks I am such a failure at everything. She yells at me just because I didn't vacuum my room. Yesterday morning I went over to her to give a hug and she rejected me. She told me that I make her sick, that she can't stand to look at me. Geeeez, now I now why I'm such a fucking failure. I have never been told I was loved. NEVER. I never even had a boyfriend or been asked out. In school, it's even fucking worst. I have been here in NJ for 2 years and I still haven't made a friend. No one wants to talk to me and I can't even figure out why. No one wants to be my partner in class or sit next to me.Why did I have to be so different? If I was the same as everyone else would I be suffering this way? If I liked the same shit that they did, would I be able to fit in somewhere? I can't stand eating in the library by myself because I can't even make a sound. I have hide to eat my lunch and listen to music quietly. I'm pretty sure I have no future, I'm going nowhere in life. I'm not gonna get to college and I won't ever ever ever be happy. I have never really done anything to kill myself like drugs, cutting or something like that because I know I'm such a pussy to go through all of that. I tried overdosing on some pain pills but all that did was got my parents yelling at me even more. They didn't even care I was going to kill myself. I want to see how all of this turns out. Will I ever be happy? Will my parents for once love me for who I am? Will I ever make friends with someone?
Please don't treat me differently because of this. It is just another side you haven't seen.